The Departure Lounge
I am sorry Lady - you really are only allowed One Emotional Support Animal on an Internal flight - Only One . It is in the Terms and Conditions.which, whether you have read them or not, you will have marked as “Read ” before you were even allowed into this Departure Lounge. Yes. Tourist Class, yes. Only the One ESA . Yes - I am sorry you DO have to make a choice. Which is it to be?
The Monkey or the Cat ?
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Sorry Sir - I think there is something wrong with your friend . Yes - I see he has a ticket... Yes ... and a first class seat in his own name but ... No ... I accept that it doesn’t anywhere on the ticket actually specify that he should be alive but some things go without .... No - I am not being Deadist ... Hang on - there is no such Thing as Deadist. There is no point calling for my supervisor, she is dealing with another customer and I have full authority to say that a dead person - of any religion, race, gender or sexual orientation and however talented - is a health hazard and likely to be mentally distressing to the Living especially to those who have an unreasonable Anxiety and Fear of Flying and must always travel in an appropriately sealed casket ... Yes ... He has to go in the hold .
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What will happen to the Other one ? It will be sent to an Animal Shelter and you will be sent a bill for its upkeep, and any veterinarian bills - and any ... I believe your monkey is just now throwing faeces at my uniform pants - and any Damages to anyone’s ...Yes. And if the animal is not retrieved within two weeks and or the bill for its upkeep is unpaid they will attempt to rehome it - and then ? - and then if no home is found for it then - well - it will go where Abandoned Pets go to - yes - in the Sky
Sorry ?
Which is easier to Rehome .
- a Monkey or a cat ? How should I know? ... Well - a cat probably ... Or maybe a monkey ... Hell -- I don’t know. Martin?
Martin ... Which is easier to rehome , a monkey or ...?
Okay. Lady,- you want to Upgrade your flight ? Well - Now you say. Why could you not have decided that before? Yes it probably would be cheaper than paying for someone to look after an incontinent monkey ... If you want it back at all . Yes --- Of Course you want it back ... It is an Emotional Support Animal ... Yes - you said. And your Muse ... Really? ... Whatever. Oh lord save us! WHAT is that around your neck? It’s bleeding!
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No . I do not care if he has been boiled in Carbolic and bleach, Mr Corinth. He can not occupy a seat in the cabin, he is a skeleton. No. Not even as a named passenger in a seat you have paid for . My supervisor is dealing with another customer. She has a Companion Animal issue to deal with.. Sorry Mr Corinth ... It is not just about Your rights ... No ... Or not even those of your Deceased Friend, but there will be other people on the plane and I cannot imagine that any of them would be happy to be sitting next to a skeleton all the way to Winnipeg
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Lady - Ms Kahlo !- It is bleeding! Sorry - but you are bleeding from your neck - I will call the airport nurse to have it treated. And you should NOT have either of your pets anywhere near an open wound ... I am sorry - but do you not have any sense at all?
What ? Are you Serious ? . I do not CARE if it represents your Existential Pain resulting from a catastrophic back injury caused by being impaled on a lamp post due to a trolley bus accident and the Constant Infidelities of your currently More Famous husband even, finally, with your very own sister - it is horrible - he is scum and she is a bad sister and you need a good lawyer and a divorce ... But how will getting Blood Poisoning actually help with any of that ?
No - sorry - it is unhygienic and you are not getting on a seat on this airline with an undressed wound in your neck, let alone that it is being picked at by an ape who has just been throwing its own faeces at a member of the Cabin Staff - I am not being rude but you might easily have HIV or Hepatitis - and goodness know what diseases your animals might hav ...
Yes of course you have Rights... Yes - as an Artist if you like ... But I have to consider the Heath and Safety, specifically the danger of blood-borne diseases, of the person sitting Next to you ... oh... Martin ...?
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Yes boss, Sylvia ...?
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Do you think ...? ...?
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Good idea, boss
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That is settled then. Ms Kahlo - if you have no objections to taking a seat next to a skeleton? ... None at all ? ...oh - good .... then I believe we have an obvious solution to two problems that will at least get us to Winnipeg. Thank you and please enjoy your flight! Now Mr Van Gogh, I have just consulted with my colleague and we CAN allow you to bring your own ear without an extra charge since it is assumed to be included with the rest of you on your seat ticket ... but we would ask you to put it in a non-transparent jiffy bag if you would, my colleague, Martin, has a packet of them and will provide one. The razor, on the other hand, simply cannot go in your cabin baggage, it must go into the perspex box for disposal with the aerosols and other disallowed items ,,, IF you don’t mind ...
And Martin - there’s a woman over there in fancy dress scribbling on the walls - could you stop her ? ... Yes ... Never mind the man with the silly moustache, it isn’t actually bothering anyone except you ...NOW please...? The woman scribbling on the wall ...? Just ... Stop her.
I am going for my lunch.
Anita Greg 24/08/2020
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