letters

 Letters-Nan to Beryl

2

Well here I am in the Writers Retreat ... I have only been here three days, have hardly even explored the place and already there has been a murder

When I SAy a murder but was it ? One of the gentlemen from Winnipeg who arrived by the same helicopter as we did, was found beside the net in the Tennis Court of Confusion (round the back of the island) choked by a red herring - I mean a live one that had got stuck in his throat - and that could hardly have been an accident can it ?

A bloke called Graham - or who calls himself Graham which may not be the same thing at all (you see, Beryl, we have to be very suspicious these days) is being incredibly bossy and taken it on himself to stop anyone leaving and supervise the investigation ... pending the Police Force of the South China Seas or whoever getting here ... From Rangoon or wherever. To be quite honest, I am not at sure where exactly we are except that we are miles from anywhere else. I really should have had a look at a map before I left but I was so busy trying to decide what clothes and other things I would be needing at a Writers Retreat that I just didn't think, and now, to be honest, I am not at all sure whereabouts we are.

I suppose the proper way to proceed would be to give a run-down of all the characters in the retreat ... But ... Beryl ... I am still thinking of this s a sort of holiday - I mean, I DID win it in the raffle .... And that seems like too much work and I really cant be bothered 

So I think I will go and talk to the other people from Winnipeg and try and find out if any of them had a grudge against him. I mean- I cant see that anyone else could have - after all, he had only just arrived when he choked on the herring.

Oh and by the way - the scream was someone having their bikini line waxed - there is an oddly unreal atmosphere here that is very difficult to describe. I really cannot make head or tail of it - I do wish I was as talented as you, I am sure you would be well on your way to solving the Mystery already. I do hope all went well with the cricket championship in your village - it does sound such fun LOL

Your loving friend, Nan

3

Right. The bloke who was murdered --- I’ve found out his name from the register - he was a “Lovis Corinth” ... Do you think that was his real name ? No. Me neither but then again you never know and he was in Room 101 on the Corridor of Celestial Power. Yes - really.

I mean - apart from anything else ... “Clovis” sounds more likely  After all it is an actual name.

No - I have no idea what they were on when they built this thing - have I mentioned yet that I think it is an extremely dangerous place ? I mean Structurally as well as having lunatics running round, murdering people with live fish, I can’t help noticing that it seems to be precariously balanced on this rock. Did I tell you that I did get a bad feeling about it when I saw it out of the helicopter window?  But by then - well - it was really too late.

There ARe some strange people around - but I suppose that was not unexpected - probably more your sort of people than mine if the truth be told - you do like these Arty types and their wild parties - give me a local farmer any day!  Anyway - you would be in your element here I am sure - there is a strange woman with a moustache and a cat round her neck - no of course I don’t mean she has a moustache round her neck - her moustache is in the usual place, it is the cat that is round her neck - and a monkey.  Yes - an actual monkey. The monkey is worse than the cat, it throws poo everywhere - goodness knows how she got them to let it on the plane and she wears a weird necklace with a dead bird on it - it looks wildly uncomfortable but hey - you know I never comment on peoples’ choice of accessories, we don't ALL have Taste - do we ? ... And there is a blue eyed man who speaks - well - I don’t know what he speaks, it sounds like something between German and French but goodness knows it doesn’t seem to make much sense. I did ask him if he had had a good journey but got no sensible answer ... Just a sort of grunt. Poor thing probably can’t hear with that massive bandage over his head

.. Oh ... And there is a man with a totally ridiculous moustache. 

Yes ... I can almost hear what you are thinking ... He is probably a Detective.

Yesterday at dinner he was wearing a lobster on his head - so he is probably In Disguise .. But if so then it wasn't a very good one, Everybody knew perfectly well who he was

There are other people here as well - but those are the ones that came from Winnipeg and like I said before - how could anyone else have known the victim long enough to have wanted to murder him?  It is a bit of a puzzle and no mistake

And one more thing - one of the cleaners has just told me - she was cleaning this “Lovis Corinth” - aka The Victim’s room - Before the incident on the tennis court obviously since now the room has been declared a Crime Scene and been wrapped up in tape - and THAT is a thing that is interesting in itself - that there seems to be a supply of Murder Scene tape so readily to hand on the island ... It makes one wonder if this sort of incident is perhaps a regular occurrence at the Writers Retreat. What do you think? Oh dear Beryl - I do wish you were here --- you are So much cleverer than me and you know it. You would know what to make of all this .... Goodness knows, I don’t.

Where was I? Oh yes ... where was I?  Oh yes - the cleaner said that this “Lovis” man had a skeleton in his closet. That was the Last thing she was expecting when she was going through his jackets to dust them and her nerves have not been the same since and she had to help herself to one of the bottles of his Duty Free brandy

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I can’t help thinking that the answer to all this is somehow to do with Winnipeg ... 

What has anyone got against Winnipeg ? Something that happened in Winnipeg ? Something that DIDn’t happen in Winnipeg?

Where even IS Wiinnipeg ... The WiFi is terrible here and the maps that they have - well, this may sound a bit mad - but I think they are actually wrong

I was looking at an atlas that I found in my room along with a bible and the Collected Works of Shakespeare ... All in a font size of course, too impossibly small to be readable so I think they are mainly for show - but there was also an atlas. But the thing is -

I actually do not think that the Gulf of Incomprehension, the Canyons of English Literature, the Shangi La of the Summer School really exist

And what about the Chic Lit cities of Sodom, Gomorrah and Shopping, The Lost City of Plot, the Golden Road to Netflix

The Ocean of Indifference ... Are these really real places?

The Swamp of the Amazon?

Oh no - that really exists

4

Well - I have decided to barricade myself in my room for the time being - even though there is so much Interviewing to do 

There is an UNresolved Dilemma on the loose and it is stomping along the metal corridors and rattling the railings

....... To be continued ... Maybe ...